The Lokasenna as told by Better Myths

Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:06:40 GMT

I don't even know which is the choicest part to quote from Better Myths' take on Loki's Quarrel, I <3 all of it like you don't even know:

so then this chick Ithun chimes in
like Loki seriously dude
this isn’t even clever
you’re just fucking yelling at dudes
and Loki is like
SLUT
and this chick Gefjun is like seriously everybody calm down
and Loki is like YOU FUCK LITTLE BOYS
and then Odin is like AMATEUR HOUR IS OVER PUSSPANTHERS
TIME FOR THE ALLFATHER TO RIP THIS MOTHERFUCKER UP
THIALFI
GIVE ME A BEAT
and Thialfi is all like BOOM PSH BOOM BOOM PSH wikiwiki
and Odin’s like YO
I KNOW THERE’S A LOT OF BAD BLOOD BETWEEN US
BUT I’M NOT EVEN SURE THAT YOU HAVE A PENIS
CAUSE I HEARD ABOUT HOW YOU FUCKED A HORSE
AND WHEN THE BABIES CAME OUT, YOUR HORSE-VAG WAS THE SOURCE
and all the gods are like OHHHHHH SNAPPPPPP
and loki’s like UH UH CHECK IT OUT
I’LL FUCK YOUR OTHER EYE OUT AND I’LL MAKE YOU MY BITCH
YO I HEARD YOU ONCE DESCENDED TO EARTH AS A WITCH
THAT WOULD SEEM TO PROVE THAT YOU LACK A DONG
EVEN THOUGH I’M TOTALLY LYING ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT
and then frigga is like this is pretty stupid
and Loki’s like YOU’RE A SLUT
and frigga is like bro if Baldur were here right now
and not dead
he’d totally whup you
and Loki’s like HAHA JOKE’S ON YOU
I’M THE DUDE WHO KILLED BALDUR
yeah that’s right
i’m so intent on ruining your party
I WILL WILLINGLY CONFESS TO MURDER
and Freyja is like dude are you seriously confessing to murder right now?
and Loki’s like LET’S PLAY FILL IN THE BLANK:
YOU’RE A SLUT
OH MAN I FORGOT TO PUT IN ANY BLANKS SORRY

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Hercules: The Legendary Journeys

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 13:19:14 GMT

"Norse by Norsevest" & "Somewhere Over the Rainbow Bridge" from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Season 5 (1998)

Hercules has a bad dream and goes north to save Balder from the scheming Loki. I have a high tolerance for cheese, but this exceeded my wildest expectations. To be fair, the show doesn't take itself too seriously and operates on a seriously tight budget, but there's a reason I always preferred its sister show Xena. The acting was especially terrible in these episodes, and everyone except possibly Hercules seemed to have been hit by the idiot ball. Let's go to town.

Loki is unusually blond in this version, but then, this is the north, where everyone is kinda blond, right?? He gets the bleach blond though, falling soundly into the Blond Guys Are Evil And Kinda Effeminate Too trope. He does some nice eye-rolling at Thor (who's perpetually angry at everything), but he's not a very convincing liar, so, fail. Like with Marvel, he's the jealous brother of Thor (and Balder), scheming to get them out of the way, with the help of frost giants (the budget doesn't stretch to seeing more than some spidery claws onscreen).

Balder is nice to the mortals, but Thor learns a Very Valuable Lesson by the end that he has to as well. The Vikings and Norse Gods are both fond of the practice of hitting one another for fun and Hercules lectures them on how it's terribly uncivilised of them. It's the cold that makes them like that apparently. Oh, and there's the most anti-climactic Ragnarok ever, but don't worry, there's a reset button, because the Norns can't really see into the future. Or something. It's all pretty entertaining anyway.

I think the best line (and the best acted) of the story was Loki's: "I haaaate it when a plan falls apart!" *runs away*

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one hundred and one lokis!

The Lokasenna as told by Better Myths

Hercules: The Legendary Journeys